Differing Agendas

One thing about having a two year old -- they're developing their own agenda. They want things to be done their way. They have favorites. They have likes and dislikes, preferences and anti-preferences.

But, my socially-oriented girl wants ME involved in EVERYTHING she does. If I'm not there, it's not worth doing. I got fed up with this about a week ago, and pushed back, insisting that I MUST have five minutes to myself. Not only do I have to check in at work here and there, I have to get at least some minimal amount of housework done. I insisted that she go play by herself (novel concept). She refused, and tensions escalated. She insists that I come and help her pee, which she can do perfectly well by herself. I got angry and upset, and blew up at her. She was afraid of the toilet for a few days after that.

So, later that night, I went googling for things like "independent play" and "entertain herself" and "won't leave me alone for five minutes". I was conflicted -- I want to be an involved father, involving her in everything. But not being able to get anything done for an entire day, literally not having five minutes to myself... there's something wrong with that picture. And I've been becoming concerned with how she doesn't find things independently interesting, often times. She has to have someone else involved. I want her to be curious and live in idea land for a little while at least.

Looking at similar experiences, I came to a couple conclusions:

1. It's not good for a child to have the world revolve around him/her. That's called spoiling, and I was headed in that direction.
2. It's good for a child to learn that people have agendas other than their own. Usually, that's called siblinghood.
3. If she wants to do something with me, she can participate in what I'm doing.
4. I can't play all day. I'm an adult with responsibilities. She can play all day.
5. It'll take some adjustment
   

This all comes together into my motto lately: If you want to be with me, that's fine. You can play over here by me, or you can help with what I'm doing (and I give her a specific way in which she can help or do a similar thing as me), or you can go play by yourself. She generally hates this and throws a fit, but she's being a leech and is not enjoying being unleeched. But I have to work before I play. And it's good for her to see that modeled.

There was one time last week where she was, in effect, threatening to pee on the floor unless I came into the bathroom to help, trying to manipulate me to do something with her. She had always called my bluff on this before -- the thought of her peeing on the floor was too distasteful to me to refuse, and I wanted to encourage her potty training. But she's been really good about toileting, being disturbed herself if she doesn't make it to the bathroom (which is rare). I calmly insisted that I needed to finish something urgent I was doing, and that she could pee by herself. Extremely and visibly conflicted, she peed on the floor in a flood of tears. I insisted that she clean up after herself. She ended up in timeout for a good half hour at least for that one. OK, two minutes are up. Are you going to pick up after yourself? No? OK, back in timeout. And I explained that blackmail is not an option. She eventually had to pee again, which she went to the bathroom to do, came back and cleaned up her pee, and then was proud of herself for going to the bathroom all by herself. Resilient little critters they are...

She doesn't recognize it yet, but already there's being positive effect. I'm not upset nearly so often, making both of us happier. I'm getting things done, which means that I can spend quality time doing other interesting chores like gardening with her. I feel better having some clear boundaries. And I still do things one-on-one with her.